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GAMES GREAT LOVERS PLAY

(2004, Published by Neuro-Semantics Publications, Paperback, 273 pages)

Love is about your frames of mind. Mental and emotional frames determine your thoughts-and-feelings of love, about love and loving, and about all the facets of love — differences, bonding, connecting, communicating, conflicting, forgiving, caring, listening, playing, and pleasuring.

Do you have the frames of mind and meaning that enable you to operate out of a rich and loving Matrix? Games Great Lovers Play will expose the old games that don’t work and invite you into some new ones that will powerfully enhance your loving. Your lover will love you for it!

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D, cognitive psychologist, best-selling author, researcher, and international trainer, who developed the Meta-States model and co-founded Neuro-Semantics, has now applied Frame Games to relating and bonding.

Based on the revolutionary Frame Games model, this application book will help you transform your inner game of frames ... for a brand new performance in your outer game of Love.

 

Games Great Lovers Play is available from
thecoachingroom for only $38.95 (plus P&H)

OTHER Resources

Books
Meta-Coaching Vol. 1
Meta-Coaching Vol. 2
Games Slim People Play
Games Great Lovers Play
Frame Games
Games for Mastering Fear
Figuring out People
Dragon Slaying

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perception is reality

Bit 1 of Relationship Bytes

80% of people who come to thecoachingroom are searching for answers on the subject of relationships. There is no doubt that human relationships are a complex interaction — I’d go so far as to say there is nothing more complex.

You may come to the realisation that the answers to a great relationship are not in trying to change, alter or transform someone else. And the answers lie within each of us.

Let’s take a look at what the word ‘relationship’ really means in our society. Why are relationships so important to us? Why do we seek them in the first place?

The word “relationship” is an abstract noun (a noun frozen in time, made to look and feel like a proper noun, but it isn’t) and literally means to relate, connect or form a bond. This means that a relationship is a process. So if you stop relating, connecting or bonding, the ‘relationship’ falls apart.

Success in any relationship, whether in your business or personal life, is far more than just a desire to succeed (although that desire does make up part of the big picture of success), as we will find out.

Most people would say that we seek relationships to find happiness, but I don’t think that is correct. Author, Trainer and Coach Dr John Demartini agrees and he suggests that we seek relationships to make up for the parts of us that are missing or in need of balance. “This”, John says in his new book, The Breakthrough Experience, “is why we often attract partners that are so different from ourselves. They balance us by bringing us back into equilibrium”.

Many people have become very wealthy writing about this subject. The proof of this is in any newspaper or magazine you might care to read. In fact bookshops are fully stocked on the subject. You may find, though, that the information contained in this article is somewhat different as it based on the cognitive behavioural psychological sciences of Neuro Semantics (NS) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), and takes a different perspective on our ability to relate to each other.

So what is the key to finding and maintaining successful relationships? There are many facets to this complex subject. I have listed 7 key areas that I believe to be the most important, and I will expand on each in the coming months, article by article. The 7 key elements of successful relationships:

1. FRAMES OF MIND

The ability to manage your frames of mind (your state of mind, your mood, your attitude, your mindset in any given context) is at the core of the relationship process. That’s right, it starts with you. It is from a positive framework (our state of mind at any given moment) that we relate with others in an empowering way. Our frames of mind directly affect the way we behave which in turn directly affects the outcomes we achieve.

In Meta-coaching we call this the 'be-do-have' equation: our state (the being) influences our behaviour (the doing) which in turn influences the results that we get in life (the having). Finding our power in a relationship then starts with our state of mind, the framework, the unconscious rules we bring to them. This allows us to effect the only thing we can take control of and that is ourselves.

2. RAPPORT

The ability to establish and maintain rapport. Sometimes it seems as though it is hard to keep the rapport going in a relationship, especially when we disagree with someone’s point of view or when our core value is violated. Rapport underpins all human communication. Without rapport, we will tend to encounter toxic relationships.

Rapport is a two-way process that has an underlying structure to it. We will provide you with the secrets of that structure within this series of articles so that you may create powerful rapport with people at an unconscious level. You will come to understand the rules of rapport building that will assist you to gain rapport even with the most difficult people in your life.

3. COMMUNICATION

The ability to effectively communicate your ideas and to influence other people. When I am coaching, I often notice that many see the word 'influence' as having a negative connotation. I find this surprising because influence is actually a very positive attribute found at the heart of the world’s most successful people. Sometimes I think people get the words influence and manipulation mixed up.

Influence is the ability to communicate how we see the world (our map of the world) to someone else, in a way that they actually understand. That should be a thing of celebration!

This kind of interaction is quite rare for most of us, the main reason being that we all have different maps of the world. We all see and experience the world differently and we can’t understand how other people can think so differently to us. Once we understand that other people see the world from a different point of view, we can learn to figure out the structure of their thinking (beliefs, values, higher level thinking patterns). We can then use this to learn how to communicate to them in a way that they can understand, and in doing so we can become understood. Isn’t that what we all want?

4. SELF-ACCEPTANCE

The ability to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, to see and accept who you really are for all your faults and all your strengths. This is where coaching comes in and why it is a process strictly for those who have the ego strength to do just that. If we are unable to do this on a regular basis we may begin to fall into a pattern of psychological projection, projecting our faults onto the people we interact with. This could be fatal in any relationship.

Through acceptance of ourselves, we can get a benchmark of our current frames of mind, our beliefs, our values and our higher-level thinking patterns. Our beliefs and values are a high-level compass in that they guide what we pay attention to. Once we understand and accept who we are, we can begin to make adjustments to the direction of our life at this high level. We can then figure out where we want to go and who we want to become in our life and change our frames, our values and beliefs and thinking patterns to facilitate the creation of our dreams.

5. PERSPECTIVE

The ability to step back and look at your relationships from multiple perspectives. That is to take a look at your interactions from another’s perspective rather than just your own. Just take what is going on globally at the moment – many different peoples, all with different ideas (maps) in their heads about the same basic issues. They all see it from a different point of view.

If you can step back and look at the big picture of what is going on, if you can take on another’s perspective and bring that information into your own thinking, your perception of the issues will shift.

Then, if you could take a look at the situation from the rest of the world’s perspective and bring that point of view into your thinking, your perceptions would shift again, and old issues could be viewed in a new light.

You can apply the same principles to personal relationships. Problems only occur when we begin to look at an issue from only one perspective – our own perspective. In effect we limit ourselves by our own thinking.

6. DRIVING THE BUS

Learn to work on your relationships rather than just in your relationships. There are many types of relationships, and they all need love, nurturing and care to grow. We need to pull ourselves out of the river of our relationships, to begin working on them rather than just going with the flow. Not that there is anything wrong with going with the flow, though in the wider context of our relationships if you don’t take control of your life, somebody else will.

Richard Bandler, one of the great minds of our time, often says, “who’s driving the bus?”. Of course, what he means is "who is working on your life, on your relationships? You or someone else? Because someone is driving the bus!".

7. POSITIVE FOCUS

The ability to accept and appreciate others for who they are. This is a big rock in the river for most people. The ability to look for the “gold” in others is a unique skill. However it is a learned skill, for when we begin to look, our perspective changes and we can start to see things that we have not seen before. Focus is an amazing thing.

Psychological research carried out by Richard Bandler, John Grinder and Dr Milton Erickson in the early seventies suggests that our mind deletes, distorts and generalises information so that we can understand it. With more than two million bits of data coming at us through our five senses every second it is the only way we can make sense of the world.

Focus can also be called our 'intention', as it guides what we pay attention to. So if our intention is to accept and appreciate others, then this will begin to show up for us in our lives. We will talk about how you can learn to influence your intention and therefore what you pay attention to, a little later.

It is the structure of our perception, the communication skills we possess, the unconscious intention that we start with, that help us form the basis of the way we relate with others. This is what we also call ‘emotional intelligence’.

Jay Hedley
Transformational Coach and Trainer, CEO of thecoachingroom

Next Time: Frames of mind

[top]

1 October 2006

welcome to
the news room

Well, you've let us know loud and clear that you're interested in relationships - what they're about, how to find one and how to keep them great! So this month we've got some great stuff for you, starting with our Book of the Month - Games that Great Lovers Play - for just $38.95 including GST.

The fun continues with this month's introduction to ‘Relationship Bytes – Perception is Reality’, the first of eight articles about the essential elements of successful relationships.

And if you're looking toward any one of those key elements, we are offering some fantastic seminars specials to support your changing frames of mind.

If you have ever thought about doing an NLP course, now is the time! If you can get to Sydney, contact us for your a complimentary Discovery Session with Patrick Dahdal, who is certified as a trainer of NLP, Time Line Therapy and Hypnosis by Dr Tad James of The American Board of NLP.

If the Gold Coast is more your style, Martin Urban is running a 3 day Communications Essentials program, which is the first step to becoming an internationally certified Meta Coach (ACMC certification).

Please continue to let us know how we’re doing. We love to hear about your coaching experiences, and we need to hear if there are any teething problems with our new products and site.

Next time, you can look forward to a new audio series ‘Love Bytes’, a look at love and relationships through the eyes of the brightest minds that the dating and coaching industries have to offer. To start the series off, we have an interview with Dr. L. Michael Hall, a prolific writer and speaker who has made a global impact through his international training programs and keynote speeches on a variety of subjects including, of course, relationships.

We will also be featuring part 2 of Relationship Bytes: Frames of Mind.

And new package deals including in-person and dialup coaching are coming soon!

We look forward to hearing from you and hope you enjoy this issue of thenewsroom.

 
the international society for neuro-semantics
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