establishing and maintaining rapport in your relationships

Bit 3 of Relationship Bytes

This article focuses on your ability to establish and maintain rapport in your relationships. Rapport is a two-way process, the underlying structure of which often goes unnoticed. What we will do here is explore the secrets of that structure, which you can then apply to create powerful rapport with people at an unconscious level.

Sometimes it seems difficult to keep rapport going within a relationship, especially when we disagree with someone’s point of view or when our core values feel violated. However, since rapport underpins all human communication, perseverance is essential. Relationships with inadequate rapport can all too easily become toxic. Richard Bandler, the co-creator of NLP, observes that relationships break down for two main reasons: a lack of rapport; and the unconscious firing of old, negative emotional triggers (these are unwanted equivalents of the positive triggers – or anchors – we discussed at length in the second article in this series, “Managing Your Frames of Mind”).

According to research by cognitive behavioural psychologists in the mapping of human experience, communication is made up of:

55% body language (physiology)
38% voice (tonality)
7% words (what we say)

The most common mistake people make in relationships is to think that what they say is the most important aspect of their communication, when our posture, facial expressions, tones of voice and so on are really doing the majority of the work. It follows that, while it’s the easiest thing in the world to stop talking, it’s very difficult to avoid communicating. The way we dress, our actions – how we eat, walk or drive – and even the things we choose not to say all broadcast something about us to others. We are always communicating and mostly non-verbally.

MULTI-LAYERED COMMUNICATION

NLP gives us an outstanding model of how we communicate. The research of people like Richard Bandler and John Grinder has done a great deal to uncover how people naturally establish rapport and reproduce the structures that support it.

Pacing and leading
The key to the process of rapport in NS-NLP is called pacing and leading. Pacing means to engage with someone on their terms, identifying with their map of the world, or putting yourself in their shoes, as the saying goes. Once rapport has been established, we can use the technique called leading to invite someone to think about things in a different way. We pace people by matching and mirroring the posture, movements, expressions and so on. We then lead by changing from matching and mirroring to testing for rapport.

Matching and mirroring
The combination of matching and mirroring is the quickest and most effective way to establish rapport. People primarily notice differences, while being unconsciously attracted to similarities. So when we match and mirror people’s body language, voice and tonality, we are creating unconscious pleasure, affinity and trust.

Matching posture: The posture of an attentive person is typically characterised by a tilted head, with eyes focused, and a forward leaning of the upper body. A disengaged posture is characterised by leaning back, with the hands on head and the eyes glancing or staring upwards. When someone moves from the attentive to the disengaged posture, it suggests that they are thinking about what you have said or are saying. They are filtering it through their experiences, beliefs and values, and making sense of it all according to their model of the world.

To deepen rapport, match and then mirror another person’s general posture. Don’t do this too obviously, however, as it is most effective when kept out of conscious awareness. If someone feels you are mimicking their every move, it will instantly kill rapport since to their conscious mind it will seem strange and confusing behaviour.

It’s occasionally suggested that this technique is manipulative, but the truth is that it’s simply a conscious deployment of behaviour that we all do instinctively when we have rapport. Next time you notice two people who obviously are enjoying close rapport – such as lovers or friends at a restaurant or party – watch them discreetly for a little while, observing their natural reflection of each other’s body language. Strengthening rapport through matching and mirroring is in essence a compliment to another person. It shows that we respect them, are interested in them, and feel it is worth spending time on getting to know them more deeply.

Mannerisms: Mannerisms are unique to each individual and are therefore easy to pick up and mirror. Someone might, for example, gesticulate in an animated way while talking, nod excessively, or tap their foot or fingers throughout a conversation. Look for a person’s most obvious mannerisms and discreetly mirror them when it is your turn to talk in the conversation.

Voice: Matching and mirroring voice is a very effective rapport building strategy, especially when you are on the phone and your other nonverbal forms of communication can’t operate. Since there are many aspects to our speech – such as tone, volume, clarity, pace, timbre and pitch – it’s best to learn this technique by practising one, such as volume, until you have it down pat before moving on to the next. With practice, you’ll soon be using them all quite unconsciously and to great effect.

Key words: All of us have some words that hold more meaning than others, and we tend to overuse these words when presenting or talking and emphasise them with tonality and gestures (analogue marking). Listen for these in others’ speech and try to repeat these semantically layered words and phrases back to them, along with the type of emphasis and gestures they use in conjunction with their keywords, and you’ll effectively light up the client’s neural network and communicate more clearly by speaking to them in their own language.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

As with anything new, it will feel a bit weird when you first try these techniques. I urge you, though, to push through your resistance, practising these techniques and observing the difference they make in how people respond you. If you persist, you’ll find that your relationships will change and become much more pleasurable and intense.

Jay Hedley
Transformational Coach and Trainer, CEO of thecoachingroom

Next Time: THE NLP COMMUNICATIONS MODEL: HOW TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY AND INFLUENCE OTHERS

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Coaching case studies

To "Ayden" – the courageous client - THANK YOU.

Coach - “What outcome would you like to achieve from our time today Ayden, what would you like to go home with that you don’t feel you have now?”

Ayden - “I would like to gain control over my feelings of jealousy regarding my partner”

Coach - “Ok, that sounds like something worthwhile, what do you mean by feelings of jealousy though?”

Ayden - “I use that to describe the intense anger, frustration and hurt that I am feeling”

Coach - “So are you feeling the intense anger, frustration and hurt now?”

Ayden - “No, not really, although I could if I thought about it”

Coach - “So you have proven to yourself that you can feel intense anger, frustration and hurt If you think about certain things?”

Ayden - “Yes, I suppose I can, although I have not thought about it that way before”

Coach - “Tell me about how that happens, how do you do that?”

Ayden – “Like, when we were at a friends house-warming party last weekend, she was flirting all night and then when we got home we had a horrible argument, I’m still not over it.”

Coach – “How do you know you are not over it?”

Ayden - “I can feel the anger and frustration in my stomach, it makes me feel sick to think about it”.

Coach - “So Ayden, if you could change that for yourself, if you were to transform that old feeling, what would that feel like do you think?”

Ayden - “Oh, um, I guess I would feel light and free and in control of my thoughts and feelings. It would be great. It would be like a weight lifting off of me

Coach – So you would feel light and free, you would be in control of your thoughts and feelings. It would be like you were taking the weight off?! What’s stopping you from having that right now?”

Ayden - “She shouldn’t flirt like that – it means that she doesn’t love me”.

Coach - “Ok I can hear that when she does things that you call flirting, you take that to mean that she doesn’t love you... How do know that when she does these things, it means that she does not love you?”

Ayden - “If she did love me, she would know how much it hurts me when she flirts”

Coach - “So I'm hearing you say that when she does these things that you call flirting, you allow that to hurt you, have you ever flirted and not hurt someone else?”

Ayden - “Sure, at least I think so”

Coach - “When did you decide that her flirting means your hurt?”

Ayden – “Um, oh, when I was a teenager I guess, my girlfriend at the time used to flirt with everyone, eventually she left me for another guy, it really hurt”

Coach – “Have you ever flirted with another person while you were in a relationship and not taken it any further?”

Ayden - “Yes, of course I have, but that’s different.”

Coach - “What was different, your intention or the outcome? Did anyone get hurt?”

Ayden – “No, it was a bit of harmless flirting (smile).”

Coach – “So, I hear you saying that it is possible that flirting can be harmless?”

Ayden - “Yeah! (pause) Wow! (pause) Did I say that (chuckles)?”

Coach - “I notice that something has changed for you, your breathing has changed and your posture has changed? What’s does that mean for you?”

Ayden - “I realised that I was judging Amy (girlfriend) by my past. I realise now how unfair that must have been for her and how I it’s all just a matter of perspective. That’s powerful!”.

Coach - “Just as an aside, what did Amy say when you suggested that she was flirting?”

Ayden - (Smile) She said that it was harmless and that was how Queensland people communicate – that they are just more friendly and outgoing. I can really see that too now”.

Coach - “So as you take this realisation, this perspective with you on a journey into the future, to a time when Amy is doing what Amy does in a social situation, what has changed for you?”

Ayden - “I feel OK with it, it’s just being friendly, and so what if she flirts, we all do it, it’s doesn’t have the same meaning anymore, how did that happen (laughter)?”

Coach - “Wow, what a transformation I see before me and are you aware that your transformation took a whole 7 minutes? How would you describe the way you feel now?

Ayden - “(Tears and laughter) I feel light and free, like a weight has been lifted! (laughter).

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